Lil Bubba and Amos
Having read Sherryfm’s posting about one kamikaze squirrel, Bubba just has to relate the story about his pet fox squirrel getting loose at the Pine Ridge First Bible Church. For those unaware of the existence of the fox squirrel, it is approximately 75% larger and may be dark gray, black, black and gray, or perhaps even an albino. In any case, Amos the quite large gray fox squirrel caused quite the fuss one bright fall Sunday morning.
Lil Bubba was minding his own business feeding Amos from the pocket full of pecans he had gathered outside when for no good reason, Amos bolted from his perch and under the pew it went. It was first noticed by Betsy Leigh Blackwell who bellowed as she saw Amos obviously admiring himself in the reflection of her new patent leather Sunday shoes. Bellow she did, for the reigning Pig Calling Champion of Darlington County let one out that surely was heard all the way to Camden. The bellow not only startled Amos, but caused the Lula Faye Feckel to faint straight away, spitting out her false teeth so as not to choke ( a tip learned from the local Rescue Squad).
Lula Faye leaning backwards in the pew, mouth agape, was the springboard for Amos to leap three rows onto the flowered and feathered Sunday bonnet belonging to one Aunt Beatrice (Bea) Tisdale. Totally unflustered, Bea picked up the hand fan provided by the Second Bank of McBee and smacked Amos hard enough to make him jump another three rows into the lap and under the frock of Sister Ardie Bell Jones who rose to her feet proclaiming, “Lord Have Mercy!”. All the while the elders at the head of the congregation maintained a tight hold on the box of copperheads and timber rattlers slated for use after the first hymn.
As one might imagine, having no way out, Amos began doing cartwheels under Ardie Bell’s frock which begat language until now unspoken in the Pine Ridge First Bible Church. Believing a member of the congregation had been ‘possessed’, Clyde the Senior Elder grabbed a fat copperhead and proceeded toward the commotion when Amos somehow made his way up the corset, back to the floor, and made a beeline straight to the back door.
Out the door, across the porch, down the steps, and up the nearest pecan tree went Amos as fast as those four short legs could carry him followed by each of the elders and all the remaining congregation, less those helping the fainted Lula Faye Feckle. As soon as he reached the steps Clyde proclaimed, “I’ll get the gun” and he proceeded directly to his truck. Rushing to return to the pecan tree, yelling “where did he go?” and loading the double barrel Clyde tripped causing the 16 gauge to go off.
Normally, the sixteen gauge would have fired harmlessly into the ground, but today it hit the gravel walkway that none other than Sister Beulah Mae Rogers insisted on having installed. Because of the blast, gravel and sand flew into the derriere of the frumpy Beulah Mae, wounding substantially more than her pride. It was now that Lil Bubba decided it was time to leave.
The last he heard was Beulah Mae objecting quite vehemently to Clyde’s use of needle-nosed pliers on her backside.
Hmmm, that kind of made me want to go look up Ray Stevens on youtube. Thanks for sharing, 9iron.